This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
