I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
