and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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