home. puking in laundry basket.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
