My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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