i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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