The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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