Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
