My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
