The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
