I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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