My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
