Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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