i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
honey bunches of taint.
I love having hate sex.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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