Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
