Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
