i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
