I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
