Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
