I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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