I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
