I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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