So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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