She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
