The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
