Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
