In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
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