I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
