I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
