Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My feet surprised me
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
