One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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