i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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