i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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