The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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