my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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