I just pynch a tree in the face
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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