I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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