Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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