Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
