Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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