WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
