You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
And then he peed in my hair
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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