3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
