I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
