i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i think i have two assholes
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
