i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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