I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
he thought i was a dude.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
