Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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