Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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