you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
